Why use a four-letter word when classier insults are available?

I confess there are times when only a good four-letter word will do. I find it satisfying, for example, to shout “You d**k!!” at a driver who cut me off at an intersection – from the safety of my own car, of course, and with the windows rolled up.

But we’ve become lazy in our word usage, especially when we’re angry or feeling some degree of contempt for a person who’s being a total a**h*le.

In the past, intelligent people often came up with far classier insults, most of which took some thought and were suitable for the occasion.

The following insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words. I came across them on a group Facebook page called English Literature Society. I’m hopeful that an occasion will arise when I can use one of them.

1. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; I will attend the second ... if there is one.”

- Winston Churchill, in response

2. A member of the British Parliament to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

3. “He had delusions of adequacy.”

- Walter Kerr

4. “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

- Clarence Darrow

5. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

6. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

- Moses Hadas

7. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

- Mark Twain

8. “He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

- Oscar Wilde

9. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

- Stephen Bishop

10. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

- John Bright

11. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

- Irvin S. Cobb

12. “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

- Samuel Johnson

13. “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

- Paul Keating

14. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

- Forrest Tucker

16. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

- Mark Twain

17. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

- Mae West

18. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

- Oscar Wilde

19. “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination.”

- Andrew Lang

20. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

- Billy Wilder

21. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

- Groucho Marx

22. “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

- Winston Churchill